A letter to my dog

My darling girl,

It has been a bit over three months now, since you've been gone. Bae and I still miss you very much. Life just isn't the same without you here. And I hope, wherever you are, that you are happy. I'm not sure if there is life after death, but I'd like to believe it. Somehow I keep thinking that you're not really gone, that you will come back one of these days, happy, healthy, with a wagging tail and that big goofy smile on your face. You always had the best smiles, and I miss them.

I don't think I can write to you without crying. It all feels too raw, like it all happened yesterday. I keep questioning myself, if I did right by you... you know what a terrible over thinker I can be, so I question things from years ago... how I should have done this or that better, or how we should have done more adventures together, even though we have had as many as I could afford over the years.

Today at 11:11, I spoke to you and had a little cry and I don't know if it's spiritual, or just plain silly. Before, when you were still alive, I would make a wish every time I saw 11:11 on the clock. I would wish for love, friendship, luck, money to pay the bills with, but most of all I would wish for good health for my family and loved ones. Now you are gone, I don't wish for these things anymore. Wishing for them hurts too bad, knowing I won't get you back. Instead, I whisper your name, and think of you, with all my heart, hating the fact I can't hold you anymore. I really hope you had a good life with me, I tried to give you everything I had, but wish I could've given you a lot more.

Here at home, I try to hold on to you for a little while longer. They say you don't really die, when people still think about you. And I am petrified of forgetting all the little things that made you, you. So I try to hold on. I collect your memories, try to scoop up your essence in little objects.

I have had an album made, a bit like a collection of our best moments together. I went through the thousands of picture I have of you, of us together, and tried to put the best ones together in this album...

I had an ornament made, a candle holder, in your liking. I had artwork made, so I can look at your picture on the walls of our home.

I made a picture of you in heaven, or at least of my idea what heaven looked like the moment you saw your siblings again.

Sometimes, the living room feels like a shrine, an ode to you, to our lives together.

Bae didn't want to eat, the first couple of weeks after you had gone. He is eating a bit better now, but there are still some moments when he refuses to eat. I think he misses you, too, a lot. I can see the sad look in his eyes sometimes, and I recognise it, because I have seen the same sadness reflected in my own eyes.

He has started to lie next me on the sofa. The spot you always occupied. He is now brave enough to sit next to me, and sometimes he will put his paws against me and will let me hold his paws when he sleeps. Just like I used to hold yours. I thought you'd like to know this, because I know you'd be so happy for your brother. You always wanted him to feel safe...

I keep thinking you will come back to me, that you're just on an overnight stay at the vet's office... that they will ring me soon and say that I can come and pick you up. I look at your shelf on the bookcase, where I placed your urn, and feel weirdly disconnected. It is you in there, but I don't feel a connection to your ashes. I can't... It's just a nice looking box that has nothing to do with you. But somehow it does, and I can't understand it.

I feel a bigger connection to your picture, the one that's on the mantle, above the TV, right next to your candle holder. I placed your collar on the frame, the same one you're wearing in that picture. Do you know this is how you looked at me in your last moments? When the vet had put the drip in, when I walked up to you, laid on the floor in front of you, held you in my arms and saw you falling asleep for the very last time? That was the look you gave me, ears up, so curious and trusting, and good. You were the very best dog there was, you gave me that look, and I will never forget it. I love you more than words can say, with every fibre of my being, I love you and I miss you, and my heart is broken... you were the best part of me, and I will forever be grateful that you were mine and that I was yours.

Big kisses,

Your mama